


Please don't use me

by orphan_account



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Party, Seonghwa is a Good Boy, They meet at a party, and body dysmorphia, basically me reflecting myself on hongjoong but more fictional, hongjoong is hurt but knows how to cope with it until he cant, hongjoong needs reassurance, love a lot of love, music major hongjoong, no smut but like the beggining of it, past toxic relationship, seonghwa comforting hongjoong, they fall in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24347344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hongjoong is dragged to a party by Yunho, his social friend, and there he meets Seonghwa. step by step they fall in love but hongjoong still has a hard time with his past and accepting himself due to his past and his ex relationships. he is learning to love.sorry i suck at summaries.
Relationships: Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	Please don't use me

**Author's Note:**

> hello, welcome to another seongjoong au, i hope you can enjoy it.
> 
> this au is based on what happened to me, as a way to try and let my mind take a breath i decided to write it, its definetly not the same because i never got my happy ending or a party just the other bad stuff only. my seonghwa ended being a piece of shit but this seonghwa is an angel, whatever. i really do hope you enjoy this.

Hongjoong was not the party type at all, he had this shy personality, an introvert and a loner in his friends’ words. Well, “friends”, that word lost its meaning last year. After all, not even Hongjoong knew what to expect from them because as soon as high school was over, they wasted no time in going around sharing his personal life which he entrusted them with, and of course creating some rumors about him because why not? After all, on their eyes, he was the gum on the floor they stepped over and over without care. All his insecurities, all what he has been through now open for the public eye, funny. But here we are, first semester of college and a party already kicking off. He had his ass dragged here though. For sure Hongjoong would have stayed in his dorm writing or producing beats because after all, music was his major but also his most valuable hobby. But no, he had this tall, kind of shy and cute boy named Yunho as a dorm mate who also was surprisingly easygoing and friendly with Hongjoong and his hermit behavior, but being easygoing had its flaws (purely Hongjoong’s opinion here though), one of them being ‘having to many friends from your own dance crew and major so because you don’t want to go there alone you drag your new awkward friend with you’ kind of flaw.

_“I hate you” Hongjoong kept bickering and murmuring threats as they both walked down the street._

_“Well, I’m sad to inform you that you will be stuck with me until one of us graduates, drops off, breaks the college laws or kills someone, but I’ll guess you will not do that, will you? Because I won’t.” Said Yunho with a knowingly sassy but really mocking tone._

_“I was actually planning the last one already.” Answered Hongjoong grinning and looking up to Yunho._

_“I better not be the victim then, I’m quite the perfect second hand”_

“Yunho!” Someone shouted, in an amazingly high-pitched tone as soon as both stepped into the house.

“Oh! Hi Woo” Yunho greeted the boy that was in front of them now. “Wooyoung, this is Hongjoong. My new dorm mate I told you about”

“The music major! My pleasure,” Wooyoung said enthusiastically. “but I must go check on Yeosang now though, ask me if you need something okay? I would love to talk a bit more, but I’ll see you around!” He waved them a quick goodbye while approaching a pale looking boy.

 _A light weight_. Hongjoong scoffed internally.

And just like that the party went on, Yunho casually drifting away from Hongjoong with his arms around a red-haired boy all while giving the later drunk heart eyes at every glance he took. Hongjoong made a mental note to pester his tall friend with his lover boy, he really must know all the details of this love story. Do not judge him he is a helpless romantic. The realization that now he was alone, in a stranger’s house, more specifically in a party, hit Hongjoong a bit later because of that. But it hit, and now he had to put his anxious persona in check. _A drink, yes_. Hongjoong thought to himself while closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

His search for an alcoholic beverage concluded in a little trip to the crowded kitchen were he barely found a cup and poured whatever liquid he found. He was not a big drinker, but maybe a small dose of vodka, or whatever he grabbed, would make the night more easygoing for him. So, there he was now, sitting in a corner of the living room, which was way worse than the kitchen, just praying that no one would try and approach him.

Oh, silly Hongjoong. 

“Rough night?”

The sudden and unexpected question makes Hongjoong jump from where he was sitting, and he forces his sight away of the lamp he was staring at while spacing out and turns to stare at the stranger. Clearly not a friendly stare.

Hongjoong sighs in response, “You don’t look like you are having much fun either” the stranger really did not.

“not a big fan of parties, and let me guess,” the stranger laughs softly. “you don’t either.”

“and then why would you even come?” Pretty dumb of Hongjoong to ask that because he should ask himself that same question too then.

“can’t do much when the party is in your house” and that makes Hongjoong’s mouth form a small ‘o’ as a sign of understanding.

And then the stranger, who Hongjoong finally took a good glance at deciding that he was handsome, stretches his hand to him. “Park Seonghwa.” And smiles at him.

“Kim Hongjoong.”

And like that they kept talking all night to each other. Honestly Hongjoong was not ready to throw himself into some guy he just met but this particular guy didn’t have those vibes either so, he let his guard down. They did no more than talk, which was oddly pleasing to Hongjoong since he hasn’t done that in so long, of course there was a subtle flirting here and there but Hongjoong made himself indirectly clear that things would not escalate any more than that, at least today, and Seonghwa seemed to respect that, not once trying to touch the other without his consent. And it warmed Hongjoong, it has been long since someone didn’t see him just as a thing.

So, they exchanged phone numbers and called it a night after Yunho found Hongjoong and the later decided that the other one had too much alcohol. Bidding his goodbye and earning a smile and a small wave from Seonghwa, he took off dragging a drunk Yunho with him.

Like that, days passed, they started to chat, every day a bit more. It was not until a week and two days later of the party that Seonghwa asked him out on a small coffee date. And Hongjoong agreed. Things just escalated from then on. Dates became more frequent than not and just like that 3 months full of lovely dates passed, yes, they kissed and all but somehow the ‘boyfriend’ tittle didn’t appear until the end of a sunny Monday with both of them just sitting on the grass of a park were Seonghwa finally build some courage to ask Hongjoong that simple but meaningful question. And Hongjoong…and Hongjoong said yes.

See, Hongjoong was not an open book, not even with Seonghwa, who Hongjoong grew so attached too. He has been hurt, by others, by himself. But Seonghwa, he is different, but still his insecurities kept clouding his mind. Seonghwa touched, as far as Hongjoong allowed, always. Subtle touches, loving caresses. Never pushing, never asking for more. And that made Hongjoong cry. He hated himself, hated himself for allowing it to happen. For allowing himself to be used, as a rag, as an object, but why? By whom? By the person that he trusted his deepest secrets, his whole self, the person that he used to love, or so he thought. If you ask him now he would tell you he is not sure if he ever did, its more like he just couldn’t see himself without his ex because he was always less, he needed something to hold on, someone to make him feel worthy, and he blames himself for that. That attachment that he was so afraid of losing, led him to do things he did not want, led him to let the other use his body as he pleased. Too much fighting, that was the reason, maybe sex could make things better Hongjoong thought. He allowed that. But it did not. nothing got better. The other way around actually, he grew more anxious, he never voiced his thoughts, he was just quiet and his boyfriend at the time seemed to enjoy that, after all it was just sex for him, Hongjoong tears lost their meaning as the days passed and not one was caressed away with a thumb as a loving gesture, Hongjoong couldn’t even face the other. Ashamed of himself, scared to make everything stop because he knew he couldn’t face the other angry at him, not now. But then his boyfriend started ignoring him, and Hongjoong slowly was able to put himself back together. Enough to finally cut the last string that had him still attached to the other. Hongjoong still feels dirty, worthless, terrified of his body, terrified of letting his body be seen by another person. But he also grew so much, he is independent, he can voice his thoughts now.

Six months into the official relationship and Hongjoong allowed Seonghwa to touch more, after all it was natural, physical attraction was inevitable. Still Seonghwa never questioned, never asked for more, never pushed. Hongjoong was so grateful for that.

Eight months into the relationship were greeted by Hongjoong pushing his body down onto Seonghwa’s lap as both arousals brushed together, earing small pleased moans from Hongjoong and a groan from Seonghwa.

“you are so beautiful Hongjoong” whispered Seonghwa into the other’s mouth, “so, so pretty- can I?” he asked lowering his gaze to the shirt he was carefully grabbing.

Hongjoong nods. Its been so long, too long. He is sure that if he were in front of a mirror he would have said no, but he trusted Seonghwa, he learned to trust him. And so Seonghwa removes his shirt. Leaning back a bit just to stare at Hongjoong who was still sitting with both legs at each side of his body.

Seonghwa just smiles at him, with that loving smile he always has, with that reassuring warmth. That was the breaking point for Hongjoong as he feels a tear roll down his cheek. Seonghwa’s face shifts to a confused yet worried face as one of the hands that were holding Hongjoong’s waist leaves its place and goes to caress the wet cheek. It makes Hongjoong close his eyes, letting more silent tears fall off his eyes as he leans his head to the soft hand that was caressing his face.

Hongjoong feels how the positions change and now Seonghwa is embracing him, tugging his head in the crook of Seonghwa’s head he just sighs. And they stay some minutes like that, both silent as Hongjoong regulates his breathes and Seonghwa draws soothing circles up and down his back.

“Seonghwa” Hongjoong says in almost a whisper as he lifts his head to stare at his boyfriend. “Please…please don’t use me” then something in Seonghwa breaks, this is a new side of Hongjoong that he has been keeping to himself and now, he finally let him in.

“I would never do that, Hongjoong,” Seonghwa moves his hand back to Hongjoong’s face as he softly caress it with his thumb. “I would never do something you don’t want; I will never act without your consent; I will ask for more if that is not what you want-”

“Seonghwa” Hongjoong says again, fixing his eyes on the other he lets a subtle smile form on his lips. “I love you”

That caught Seonghwa by surprise, his first instinct was pulling Hongjoong into a breathtaking hug. “I love you too Hongjoong, so much”

And like that they stayed, melted into each other, exchanging whispers of love until sleep took over them. Sex could wait, things weren’t about sex, things weren’t about insecurities anymore. They were about learning to love, to trust, to grow and to see past what they were and what they went through. Things were about who they were today, just two lovers.

**Author's Note:**

> well, thank you for reading. you can give me your thoughts about this, they are more than welcome. Also i would apreciate if you gave a read to my other au.
> 
> stay safe.


End file.
